We're all a bit insecure: understanding and overcoming insecurity

Insecurity isn’t always obvious. It can also masquerade as confidence, ambition, or  perfectionism. It can make us act in ways we don’t fully understand, like seeking reassurance, bragging about our lives, feeling jealous of others, or over-apologising. But when we recognise how insecurity shows up for us, we can begin to work through it instead of letting it control us.

Being insecure doesn't mean your a bad person, that you can't be confident and happy, or that you're insecure in all areas of your life.

This article explores some of the most common ways insecurity shows up in our lives and how to recognise it in ourselves and others.

1. The need for reassurance

Insecurity often drives us to seek validation from others. This can look like repeatedly asking if someone is upset with us, needing frequent compliments, or relying on external praise to feel worthy. While reassurance can be comforting, relying on it to determine our self-worth often leaves us feeling empty and unfulfilled.

2. Showing off

Insecurity can make some of us feel the need to overcompensate by highlighting our achievements, wealth, travels, or possessions to prove our worth. While sharing accomplishments is normal, doing it primarily to seek approval, impress others or mask self-doubt can indicate a deeper insecurity. This behaviour can be mistaken for confidence, but true confidence doesn’t seek external validation.

3. Critical self-talk

Insecurity often fuels thoughts like I’m not good enough, I’ll never succeed, or People don’t really like me. These thoughts can be automatic and hard to recognise, but they shape our self-esteem and confidence over time. Left unchecked, they can lead to anxiety, depression, self-sabotage, and holding yourself back from opportunities.

4. Jealousy

When we feel insecure, it’s easy to compare ourselves to others and feel envious of their careers, relationships, confidence, or appearance. This can create resentment or make us feel like we’re constantly falling behind.

Instead of letting envy take over, we can use it as a signal - what do we admire in others, and how can we work towards it in a way that aligns with our own values?

5. Perfectionism

If you feel like nothing you do is ever good enough, constantly strive for flawlessness, and fear making mistakes, your self-worth may be tied to achievement. Learning to embrace imperfection and progress over perfection can help ease this pressure.

6. People-pleasing

Saying yes when you want to say no, avoiding conflict, and trying to make everyone happy are signs of insecurity. People-pleasing stems from a fear of rejection or not being liked. Developing healthy boundaries and recognising your own needs can help break this cycle. Healthy boundary setting can be hard, so be kind and compassionate to yourself during this process.

7. Over-apologising

If you find yourself saying “sorry” too often, even when you haven’t done anything wrong, it may stem from a fear of being a burden. Over-apologising can reinforce insecurity, making you feel like you constantly need to make yourself smaller to accommodate others.

8. Avoidance

Holding back from trying new things, speaking up, or putting yourself out there because you fear judgment or failure is another sign of insecurity. Avoidance keeps us safe in the short term but limits growth in the long run. Taking small, intentional steps outside your comfort zone can help build confidence over time.

9. Constant comparison

Insecurity often leads to measuring yourself against others in terms of success, relationships, or appearance. Social media amplifies this tendency, making it easy to feel like we’re not enough. Practicing self-awareness and gratitude can help shift focus away from comparison and back to personal growth.

10. Defensiveness

Taking feedback as criticism and feeling personally attacked can be a sign of insecurity. If constructive feedback triggers feelings of inadequacy, it might be time to work on building self-trust and self-worth.

11. Sensitive to rejection in relationships

Fearing abandonment or rejection can make someone overly dependent on a partner, friend, or group for validation. Insecurity in relationships can manifest as needing constant reassurance, struggling with trust, or feeling anxious when alone. Cultivating self-assurance and emotional independence can create healthier relationships.

Moving forward and building confidence from within

Recognising insecurity is the first step toward overcoming it. Here are some ways to start shifting from insecurity to confidence:

Self-Awareness: Identify the areas in your life insecurity shows up, how it manifests, and how it influences your actions.

Challenge unhelpful thoughts: Write down self-critical thoughts, and consider evidence to challenge these thoughts. Finally, replace them with more balanced, self-compassionate perspectives.

Practice self-validation: Develop the ability to reassure and affirm yourself - what are YOU proud of? how do YOU think it went? how can YOU be a cheerleader to yourself.

Embrace imperfection: Shift from a perfectionist mindset to valuing progress and effort. We're all a work in progress!

Take small risks: Gradually step out of your comfort zone to continue build resilience and confidence. Confidence is a skill, and like any skill it takes time and practise.

Insecurity doesn’t have to define you. By recognising its patterns and taking intentional steps toward self-confidence, you can begin to live with greater ease, authenticity, and self-trust.

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